The Highs and The Lows!

Living with diabetes has it's highs and lows, not just in blood sugar numbers, but in so many ways. The most obvious high/low, is everytime we check Charlotte's blood sugar.

Will it be too high?
Will it be too low?
Will it be just right, and is it just right for that time of day?

We don't want her too high, and we don't want her too low, we want her just right! But what does just right mean? Well, for those of you reading who don't know a lot about Diabetes, the "normal" range is 70-180. That is the ideal range. But...the ideal range, right before she is going to eat a meal, could be the lower end of that 70-180. Or right after she eats, ideal range could be a little higher as her body and her insulin processes the food. It is crazy! I can feel myself, holding my breath waiting for the count down on her meter to tell me the number,
5
4
3
2
1
or once 1pm hits on a school day...

I find myself checking my email every minute until the school nurse is able to send me the number.

Stress!

We have had some real lows, and just recently a high that was the highest it has been since we left ICU. When I say low, I mean 58! And when I say high, I mean 345! It is crazy to me how her little body can be under so much stress of blood sugars that change so dramatically in just one day or even a matter of hours. Highs and lows!

Now, like I mentioned the blood sugar numbers are not the only highs and lows that we are dealing with. A high could be her Sunday School teacher saying to me "now I have to ask, is she like a different kid"? So many people in her life have made comments to us that she seems to have come out of her shell, or just a little more outgoing. She is not an extremely outgoing kid, but now that she feels better, she is more her true self. If that's not a "high", I don't know what is!

A low could be when she wants to have donuts, or a cupcake like her friends or something and we have to be the ones to tell her that she can, but has to have a shot of insulin in order to have it. I think that is a low...telling a six year old that she has to have a needle in order to have a treat. It stinks. low!

We are trying to focus on the emotional highs and not the blood sugar highs. We don't want to focus at all on the lows.

Everyone and everything has highs and lows. In diabetes there are going to be highs and lows. They don't necessarily mean we did something good or bad, they are just what they are...highs and lows. It's how we deal with them that counts. Deep breath and deal with it.

So today we are dealing one day at a time. One step at a time. One hour at a time. One meal at a time. That's what we are doing. And that's the best we can do.

We are ok.

Type One

So, it's been forever since I have been on this blog. And with everything currently going on in my life, I thought I should write again...if for nothing else, to find some strength in the small things!

On February 19 2012, one of the darkest days I have ever known! I woke up for some reason with my precious little girl "sleeping" right next to me in our bed, I tried to wake her up. Why? I don't know except that I thought she sounded funny.



And there it began...
She wouldn't wake up...

Her hands were cold!

Her cheeks were cold!

And nothing I did "woke" her.

Even now typing it, it makes me cry!
From that moment on, our lives have changed...Charlotte has been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
The trauma of that early morning, still lingers in my mind. I can't shake it. I can't even describe it! Even if I tried I think that anyone reading this would never truly understand the fear and total dismay we felt.
We have learned so much about Type one Diabetes in just one short month, that I almost can't believe it is all true.
Charlotte is such a trooper. At six years old, she has had to deal with so much in her life. From anaphylaxis from tree nuts and an emergency room visit to now this her second emergency room visit. It is all so crazy!
Now our lives consist of counting carbs, insulin doses, and blood sugar checks. I talk to Charlotte's school nurse (who has been wonderful by the way) a couple times a day. I talk to the endocrinologist a couple times a week. It is like a full time job. Plus I have a full time job, and two other children, and a husband, and a life...

I am overwhelmed.

Having to give your child shots is no where near fun. Even though Charlotte doesn't give us a hard time about it. What six year old do you know who likes needles. She takes insulin shots four times a day. And her blood sugar is checked at a minimum of six times a day. It is crazy. My poor baby. I just wish it would all go away. I keep saying that, but I know in my head that that is not possible. But heart is where it hurts...

I have reached out to various people and supports, which are all good in their own way, but I think I need to just go through this grieving process.
Yesterday, when I was speaking with the social worker in our endocrinologists office, she said something to me...
she said, "It's is no wonder you are feeling like you are, Charlotte was critically ill. She almost died."

"almost died"

"almost died"

Oh my God! She is right. I know that is true, but hearing it said out loud was like someone punching me in the stomach. I don't think I have still recovered from hearing it, nevermind living it.

Everyone says...Now you know how to deal with it. Or now you know what it is. I know all that, but it is not making it easier. We know how to give insulin shots and test her blood, but really how do I deal with it? How does it get easier? When does the extreme worry stop? Will I ever be ok with all that happened?

I don't know.

So, I put one foot in front of the other, every day. I thank God that I did try to wake her up that morning. I thank God for all the support of amazing family and friends. I thank God for everyone on her team...from the doctors, nurses, to the pharmacist, to the nutritionist, to her friends at school, to my friends and co-workers, to my amazing family, to my rock...my husband.

It's going to be a long road. But, like this blog forces me to do, I will still try to find strength in the small things.

Like Charlotte's laugh.
Her smile.
The way she hugs me.
And how I could never live without her. She holds me up. She makes me strong.

I will find my strength in her!

Four

Hold him a little longer,
Rock him once more.
Read another story,
(you've only read four).
Let him sleep on your shoulder,
Rejoice in his happy smile.
He's only four years old
for a little while.

Happy Fourth Birthday, Ian.
Mommy loves you.

A Chance...

A chance to win...
>something from one of the most talented designers of jewelry that I have seen in a long time.
>something that could hang in my home and add something special
>something that has a handmade beauty to it
>something that I will cherish
>something from Lisa Lenord Designs...

check it out. Click Here.

Bye 2010!

It's 9:05pm on December 31st...and I am thinking of the past year and all the ups and downs the year brought to us.
So many memories both happy and sad ones. It's hard to even call any specifically to mind right now.
Some think New Years Eve is depressing. Some think it is a renewal. And even others, think of it as the end.

Gordon and I for years, had a blow out bash at our home on New Years Eve. Until Charlotte was born, then New Years became about pjs, snacks, and staying in. I'm not sure which I truly like better. I love being in my pjs. I have them on right now, but a part of me misses the party. The fun, the laughter.

Either way, New Years Eve is a fun holiday for me. I think of it as the time to renew. Start fresh.

This year I am hoping to get a good night's rest and make it through the night, since I have not been feeling well. So now at 9:12pm, I am saying Goodnight, and Goodbye to 2010. Here's to wishing that 2011 will be a great new year!

Merry Christmas, Darling

Well, it's that time of year again. I am feeling alittle under the weather today, so I came home from work early, and am trying to deny getting sick two days before Christmas. On my way home, the radio was on. And on 100.5, which is playing all Christmas music and has been since Thanksgiving.
Well, I was about a block or so away from home, when the air wave went quiet! "dead air" The song had finished and then "dead air" for what seemed like a long time, but was probably 10 seconds or so...then it happened. Merry Christmas, Darling by The Carpenters came on the radio.
I know I haven't told everyone about this song, but it is a powerful one for me. And here's why...

Last year, a few weeks before Genevieve was born, my best friend, Linda, called me. She said she didn't want to upset me, while I was so pregnant, but she had to call. She proceeded to tell me that she had a dream about my Dad the night before. She said that she was driving in the car with him and he kept saying he had to get to the carpenters in New Britain. I know that sounds like it doesn't make sense, but it may if you keep reading and have some faith.
She continued by saying that she meant to call me earlier, but didn't until she heard this song Merry Christmas, Darling about four times since she woke up.
Linda is great with dreams. She remembers them so well and helps me believe that this is how people who have passed on, come back to visit.
She felt that my Dad wanted her to send me this song. How did we come up with that you ask...well here's how.
In the dream, he wanted to get to the carpenters in New Britain. I was going to give birth to my third child in New Britain. The song is sung by The Carpenters. And the lead vocalist is KAREN Carpenter.
I truly believe, and I know Linda does too, that this was my Dad's way of letting me know he wished he was here for Genevieve's birth, but in his own way he was. Or was at least thinking of me/us.

Now everytime, I hear the song I think of him. I feel him with me. I say "I love you, Dad". And feel some peace. Even on the way home today. I felt as though he was saying "hello".

This year, it is ten years since my Dad died. Some days it feels longer and some days it seems like only yesterday. It's hard. This year seems harder. But I will be ok.

I recently had another friend talk, I mean really talk, to me about my Dad. It was sad, but somehow I felt a level of comfort in talking about him and telling people about how wonderful he is, and how much he is missed. It's therapeutic I think.

So, Merry Christmas everyone. Enjoy those around you. Take comfort in those that are with you, life is too short.

When I asked Linda why my Dad was in her dreams and not mine...her response..."You have two, almost three kids, you need your rest...he can come to me and I can tell you." Love you Linda!
I believe it was you, Dad. Even today on my way home! Miss you. Merry Christmas!


Are you a believer too???

A Hero

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. -Joseph Campbell


Over the past week I have been trying to make sense of something that I am not sure I will fully understand myself.

For those who have not heard, my cousin, Sargent Steven DeLuzio, was killed in Afganistan last weekend. Since hearing of his death, I have tried to think of him, find photos, read posts and comments, remember every last memory that I could. Plus I want to shout at everyone I see. I want them to know about Steve, what kind of man he was, how much he loved his family and this country. I want everyone to know him and never forget that he gave his life for them.

I've been trying to balance all the pride I feel with all the sadness that I feel. It is tough! Plus then if it tough for me, how impossible it must feel for his Mom and Dad, Diane and Mark; his brother and sister-in-law, Scott and Vicki; and of course his fiance, Leeza. I have wished more than once this week that there was a way for me to lessen the pain they all must be feeling.

Many people don't understand the war, and I am not sure I really do either, but when I think about Steve and Scott, who was serving over there too, and any and all the men and women over there I think, all I really need to do is support them. This is what our country has decided to do, or forced to do...whichever way you choose to look at it, supporting the troops has to be what we can do as Americans.

Our Governor has requested that all flags fly at half staff until Steve's funeral, which is a wonderful thing. My brother-in-law said that he wants to personally thank the families that have lowered their flags and I feel that same way too. But on the other hand, there is a flag at the end of a street close by that has not been lowered, and I want to march myself up to their doors too and ask them to lower it.

Steve was an outgoing, always smiling man, who made anyone and everyone that he talked to feel comfortable around him. He would take the time to ask you about yourself. He would take the time to let the little kids know they were important too. I remember when Charlotte was just over a year old, and we went to Christmas Eve at his Aunt Joanne and Uncle Phil's house. Steve and Scott both were there themselves. Charlotte was a very shy little girl. They both waved at her during dinner, and then when there was less people around, and she was comfortable to walk around herself. They both sat on the floor and played with her or tried to get her to come and play with them. So cute!

Oh Steve! If there was something I could say to you now, it would be this. We are all so unbelievably proud of you. You gave your life, no only for something that you believed strongly in, but for all of us. Choosing to do this with your life is so amazing. I will miss the razzing you gave me about the Red Sox. Almost every time I posted a status on Facebook related to the Red Sox, you would comment. And even at home, Red Sox razzing became the norm. An avid Yankee fan, through and through.
Even in Afganistan, you were so upbeat about everything. I can remember a couple of posts about "Dear Rain, Enough is Enough..." or "Afgan Dancing 101" or "The best part about being up at four am...". You could make us smile even from half way around the world. You are a true American Hero Steve. You will forever be remembered for the ultimate sacrafice that you made for me, our family, this country, and the freedoms that we all take for granted on a daily basis. You will be missed, but never forgotten. I miss you Steve. I will never forget all you did for us. Rest now. Love you.


And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me. -Lee Greenwood