Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Type One

So, it's been forever since I have been on this blog. And with everything currently going on in my life, I thought I should write again...if for nothing else, to find some strength in the small things!

On February 19 2012, one of the darkest days I have ever known! I woke up for some reason with my precious little girl "sleeping" right next to me in our bed, I tried to wake her up. Why? I don't know except that I thought she sounded funny.

And there it began...
She wouldn't wake up...

Her hands were cold!

Her cheeks were cold!

And nothing I did "woke" her.

Even now typing it, it makes me cry!
From that moment on, our lives have changed...Charlotte has been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
The trauma of that early morning, still lingers in my mind. I can't shake it. I can't even describe it! Even if I tried I think that anyone reading this would never truly understand the fear and total dismay we felt.
We have learned so much about Type one Diabetes in just one short month, that I almost can't believe it is all true.
Charlotte is such a trooper. At six years old, she has had to deal with so much in her life. From anaphylaxis from tree nuts and an emergency room visit to now this her second emergency room visit. It is all so crazy!
Now our lives consist of counting carbs, insulin doses, and blood sugar checks. I talk to Charlotte's school nurse (who has been wonderful by the way) a couple times a day. I talk to the endocrinologist a couple times a week. It is like a full time job. Plus I have a full time job, and two other children, and a husband, and a life...

I am overwhelmed.

Having to give your child shots is no where near fun. Even though Charlotte doesn't give us a hard time about it. What six year old do you know who likes needles. She takes insulin shots four times a day. And her blood sugar is checked at a minimum of six times a day. It is crazy. My poor baby. I just wish it would all go away. I keep saying that, but I know in my head that that is not possible. But heart is where it hurts...

I have reached out to various people and supports, which are all good in their own way, but I think I need to just go through this grieving process.
Yesterday, when I was speaking with the social worker in our endocrinologists office, she said something to me...
she said, "It's is no wonder you are feeling like you are, Charlotte was critically ill. She almost died."

"almost died"

"almost died"

Oh my God! She is right. I know that is true, but hearing it said out loud was like someone punching me in the stomach. I don't think I have still recovered from hearing it, nevermind living it.

Everyone says...Now you know how to deal with it. Or now you know what it is. I know all that, but it is not making it easier. We know how to give insulin shots and test her blood, but really how do I deal with it? How does it get easier? When does the extreme worry stop? Will I ever be ok with all that happened?

I don't know.

So, I put one foot in front of the other, every day. I thank God that I did try to wake her up that morning. I thank God for all the support of amazing family and friends. I thank God for everyone on her team...from the doctors, nurses, to the pharmacist, to the nutritionist, to her friends at school, to my friends and co-workers, to my amazing family, to my rock...my husband.

It's going to be a long road. But, like this blog forces me to do, I will still try to find strength in the small things.

Like Charlotte's laugh.
Her smile.
The way she hugs me.
And how I could never live without her. She holds me up. She makes me strong.

I will find my strength in her!


Jenn said...

Karen....I don't have the words to express how reading this made me feel. My tears are flowing and my heart is hurting for you but at the same time, I am sitting here in awe about the power of a miracle. I have always believed that there are angels who keep watch over us and "show" themselves when they are needed. I know you definitely have a special angel watching and I think he was there at that dark hour in the middle of the night. I know I don't know how you must have felt that night, but I do know that you saved her and you need to allow yourself to grieve that "almost" and then let it go when you are ready. You are an amazingly strong person and incredible mother. But also know it is more than ok to show your weakness and to admit that it is all too much and you need help. I am here for you always...anytime of the day or night, you can call! I love you, Karen! Thank you for sharing you're heart!

Joyce said...

Karen- your words were both beautiful and heart wrenching. Our children's lives are so precious to us the mere thought of losing them is impossible to face. You had a very scary, traumatic thing happen to you and your precious child. But she and you did survive. It is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.I know you don't feel strong right now and are legitimately scared but you are all already recovering. You are surrounded by people who love you. You do have a right to be scared and worried about the future but you will get through this. Do not be afraid to seek help if you need it and allow yourself to feel as you do. But you are strong, Gordon is a rock and Charlotte is a miracle and I know in my heart she will continue to be so! xoxo Joyce

Amy and Andrew said...

Glad you are writing about it. Loving you from here...

Linda said...

Your "mother's intuition" kicked in when you needed it to - and it will be there again to let you know what you need to do.

I know it's going to be a bumpy road and the questions of "Why us? Why Charlotte? Why now?" I'm sure are always popping up in your head. I don't know. It doesn't seem fair. You had so many responsibilities and worries already!

You are tougher than you think. Charlotte is too. Just know your friends & family are here to help you in any way we can. Just ask. Or hint at it if you don't feel like asking - eventually, we'll get it : )

I love you. You have ALWAYS been there for me, and I am here for you.