Bye 2010!

It's 9:05pm on December 31st...and I am thinking of the past year and all the ups and downs the year brought to us.
So many memories both happy and sad ones. It's hard to even call any specifically to mind right now.
Some think New Years Eve is depressing. Some think it is a renewal. And even others, think of it as the end.

Gordon and I for years, had a blow out bash at our home on New Years Eve. Until Charlotte was born, then New Years became about pjs, snacks, and staying in. I'm not sure which I truly like better. I love being in my pjs. I have them on right now, but a part of me misses the party. The fun, the laughter.

Either way, New Years Eve is a fun holiday for me. I think of it as the time to renew. Start fresh.

This year I am hoping to get a good night's rest and make it through the night, since I have not been feeling well. So now at 9:12pm, I am saying Goodnight, and Goodbye to 2010. Here's to wishing that 2011 will be a great new year!

Merry Christmas, Darling

Well, it's that time of year again. I am feeling alittle under the weather today, so I came home from work early, and am trying to deny getting sick two days before Christmas. On my way home, the radio was on. And on 100.5, which is playing all Christmas music and has been since Thanksgiving.
Well, I was about a block or so away from home, when the air wave went quiet! "dead air" The song had finished and then "dead air" for what seemed like a long time, but was probably 10 seconds or so...then it happened. Merry Christmas, Darling by The Carpenters came on the radio.
I know I haven't told everyone about this song, but it is a powerful one for me. And here's why...

Last year, a few weeks before Genevieve was born, my best friend, Linda, called me. She said she didn't want to upset me, while I was so pregnant, but she had to call. She proceeded to tell me that she had a dream about my Dad the night before. She said that she was driving in the car with him and he kept saying he had to get to the carpenters in New Britain. I know that sounds like it doesn't make sense, but it may if you keep reading and have some faith.
She continued by saying that she meant to call me earlier, but didn't until she heard this song Merry Christmas, Darling about four times since she woke up.
Linda is great with dreams. She remembers them so well and helps me believe that this is how people who have passed on, come back to visit.
She felt that my Dad wanted her to send me this song. How did we come up with that you ask...well here's how.
In the dream, he wanted to get to the carpenters in New Britain. I was going to give birth to my third child in New Britain. The song is sung by The Carpenters. And the lead vocalist is KAREN Carpenter.
I truly believe, and I know Linda does too, that this was my Dad's way of letting me know he wished he was here for Genevieve's birth, but in his own way he was. Or was at least thinking of me/us.

Now everytime, I hear the song I think of him. I feel him with me. I say "I love you, Dad". And feel some peace. Even on the way home today. I felt as though he was saying "hello".

This year, it is ten years since my Dad died. Some days it feels longer and some days it seems like only yesterday. It's hard. This year seems harder. But I will be ok.

I recently had another friend talk, I mean really talk, to me about my Dad. It was sad, but somehow I felt a level of comfort in talking about him and telling people about how wonderful he is, and how much he is missed. It's therapeutic I think.

So, Merry Christmas everyone. Enjoy those around you. Take comfort in those that are with you, life is too short.

When I asked Linda why my Dad was in her dreams and not mine...her response..."You have two, almost three kids, you need your rest...he can come to me and I can tell you." Love you Linda!
I believe it was you, Dad. Even today on my way home! Miss you. Merry Christmas!


Are you a believer too???

A Hero

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. -Joseph Campbell


Over the past week I have been trying to make sense of something that I am not sure I will fully understand myself.

For those who have not heard, my cousin, Sargent Steven DeLuzio, was killed in Afganistan last weekend. Since hearing of his death, I have tried to think of him, find photos, read posts and comments, remember every last memory that I could. Plus I want to shout at everyone I see. I want them to know about Steve, what kind of man he was, how much he loved his family and this country. I want everyone to know him and never forget that he gave his life for them.

I've been trying to balance all the pride I feel with all the sadness that I feel. It is tough! Plus then if it tough for me, how impossible it must feel for his Mom and Dad, Diane and Mark; his brother and sister-in-law, Scott and Vicki; and of course his fiance, Leeza. I have wished more than once this week that there was a way for me to lessen the pain they all must be feeling.

Many people don't understand the war, and I am not sure I really do either, but when I think about Steve and Scott, who was serving over there too, and any and all the men and women over there I think, all I really need to do is support them. This is what our country has decided to do, or forced to do...whichever way you choose to look at it, supporting the troops has to be what we can do as Americans.

Our Governor has requested that all flags fly at half staff until Steve's funeral, which is a wonderful thing. My brother-in-law said that he wants to personally thank the families that have lowered their flags and I feel that same way too. But on the other hand, there is a flag at the end of a street close by that has not been lowered, and I want to march myself up to their doors too and ask them to lower it.

Steve was an outgoing, always smiling man, who made anyone and everyone that he talked to feel comfortable around him. He would take the time to ask you about yourself. He would take the time to let the little kids know they were important too. I remember when Charlotte was just over a year old, and we went to Christmas Eve at his Aunt Joanne and Uncle Phil's house. Steve and Scott both were there themselves. Charlotte was a very shy little girl. They both waved at her during dinner, and then when there was less people around, and she was comfortable to walk around herself. They both sat on the floor and played with her or tried to get her to come and play with them. So cute!

Oh Steve! If there was something I could say to you now, it would be this. We are all so unbelievably proud of you. You gave your life, no only for something that you believed strongly in, but for all of us. Choosing to do this with your life is so amazing. I will miss the razzing you gave me about the Red Sox. Almost every time I posted a status on Facebook related to the Red Sox, you would comment. And even at home, Red Sox razzing became the norm. An avid Yankee fan, through and through.
Even in Afganistan, you were so upbeat about everything. I can remember a couple of posts about "Dear Rain, Enough is Enough..." or "Afgan Dancing 101" or "The best part about being up at four am...". You could make us smile even from half way around the world. You are a true American Hero Steve. You will forever be remembered for the ultimate sacrafice that you made for me, our family, this country, and the freedoms that we all take for granted on a daily basis. You will be missed, but never forgotten. I miss you Steve. I will never forget all you did for us. Rest now. Love you.


And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me. -Lee Greenwood

I Remember...

I remember the ups and downs.

I remember the nurse calling and saying "you're pregnant"!

I remember telling Daddy you were coming!

I remember the last MD appointment. Dr. Mihalek said "Are you ready to have a baby?" Me "NO!" Him "Yes you are. Let's do it tomorrow".

I remember not sleeping that night.

I remember going in to the hospital with butterflies in my stomach.

I remember thinking this is what we've wanted for so long!

I remember shaking when I got my IV.

I remember getting my epidural. And then it not working on one side.

I remember having a mirror so I could see you coming.

I remember Daddy saying "It's a Girl!" And crying, crying, crying!

I remember holding you for the first time. My little baby girl. My gift from God.

I remember naming you "Charlotte" because we wanted you to have a special name. Named after a special guy. And your middle name "Anne", after a special lady.

I remember Grammie coming to the hospital after midnight to see you...she couldn't wait.

I remember Nana and Grandpa coming to see you, and Nana wore pink!

I remember so many aunts, uncles, friends, cousins, etc. etc. etc. came to see our little miracle. Lots of them wearing pink!

I remember bringing you home. Sitting in the backseat with you because we were so nervous.

I remember writing down every little thing you did, or we did for that first year.

I remember your first day at Lisa's. Oh how I cried!

I remember your fluffy head!

I remember when you started talking...could it be only at ten months old! Yes it was!

I remember your "open mouth kisses".

I remember your first birthday! On the Places You Will Go!

I remember you were the one who started saying "It's just gas"! :)

I remember you and your siblings are what truly matter.

I remember having you tell the world that you were going to be a big sister!

I remember you being do excited to come visit Ian and me in the hospital.

I remember how much you wanted to help.

I remember what a wonderful big sister you became to Ian.

I remember your giggles.

I remember how much you love books. You used to want to sleep with them. Beg me to take you to the library!

I remember your hugs.

I remember so many of the things that you said.

I remember your first day of dance. You were so scared. Now we can't stop you from dancing!!

I remember your first day of preschool. You were so excited. And I cried! Oh how I cried!

I remember your excitement when we told you we were having another baby.

I remember you insisted it was a girl. We tried to prepare you for the fact it might be a boy.

I remember you were right! You were the first person we called when Genevieve was born, and you said "I told you it was a girl"!

Oh Charlotte, I hope you will always know the joy you brought and continue to bring into our lives. You were our first miracle.

Now with kindergarten looming on the horizon, I just can't believe it is time for you to grow up that much more. Everyday I look at you and think you grew a little more overnight. You're not my baby anymore. You're not a toddler either. You are a little girl, who loves Barbies, playing hide and seek, stuffed animals, making friends, and who is a light in our lives!

I hope all your dreams come true. I hope you stay the happy girl you are today!

We love you Charlotte!
It's time for kindergarten! *deep breath*

Fears

What is fear? Is it something that is in your subconscious? Is it mind over matter? How do you control or calm fears? I have been thinking about this so much in the past few days and weeks.

Why, you ask?

I have struggled my whole life with fears. Most are little things and some are somewhat bigger. I have resided to the fact that these are me, but I won't let them rule my life. I don't want them to be the things that are constantly on my mind. I need to let them go as much as I can. I'm trying. I hope I will.

But, in the past few weeks and such, my little boy has become almost crippled by fear. He has always been, from the moment he was born, and extremely strong startle reflex. He would literally shake when presented with a loud noise, or and unexpected sound. Now, picture the fourth of July. Fireworks and all. My poor little boy has not been the same since.Knowing how it feels to be afraid, and how it can over take your mind, I of course don't want that for my boy. I want to help him to not be afraid. I want to be sure he always feels safe. But how?

The OT in me wants to give him some sensory strategies that will help him to become almost desensitized to loud noises or even those noises that just may be unexpected. But the Mommy in me wants to hug him and tell him it's all ok. There's nothing to be afraid of. Then the woman in me, just wants to reason with him, explain what fireworks are, why they are not scary, etc. etc.

BUT HELLO....he's TWO!

So, I guess putting it out there makes it less of a fear of mine that he will continue to be crippled by this. I will help him through it. I will try to calm his fears. I will hold his hand and make some modifications for him when I can, so he feels more comfortable.

I love you, Ian. You are safe. I will always be there for you no matter what your fear. And in the mean time, I'll buy you some earmuffs????

Moments

Do you ever look around at the moment you are in and just feel happy? Or at peace? Some people use the phrase Zen. I don't know about that, but there are those moments that if you really consciously stop to take a minute and think about what is happening around you, it is amazing.
Now, I don't want to sound too "out there", but I have been lucky enough in the last week or so to really be in these moments. I think when you are conscious about stopping to "smell the roses" as they say, you find yourself doing it more and more.

Last week, Gordon and I were at my in-laws summer place with the kids and we were doing I-don't-even-know-what, and I felt it. I was just so happy in that moment that it brought a tear to my eye. I know, I know...those of you that know me well are thinking...no big surprise, but it was quite powerful. I mean it.
Then it happened again...we went out for ice cream. All five of us. We were sitting outside the ice cream shoppe and I just smiled from the inside out. I can't explain it and I am not sure I'm doing that great of a job explaining it here either.
All I can say is try it. Take a moment in whatever you are doing and stop and think about all the wonderful things around you.
Mine has been my husband and my kids. They mean the world to me, and I think sometimes I get caught up in the day to day stuff or the routines of it all and don't stop to see the wonderful gifts.

Today I was driving home and all three of my kids were asleep in the back. I could see only two, but I knew that number three was asleep too. It made me think more and more about that feeling of happiness, peace, or whatever it is. I had it. In the midst of a traffic jam on the highway. Zen.

Balance

I need to find balance. But how?
I have three children and a wonderful husband. A new home. A demanding job. Fabulous friends. Loving family. I hobby that I miss. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Where and how can I balance all of this so that I feel fulfilled?

I have an exciting opportunity to work in a clinic this summer, that appears to be VERY similar to the one I would love to own one day. I think it would be so much fun and I would learn a ton.
On the other hand, my children are only going to be 4, 2, and new for this summer and I don't want to miss out on anything.
Plus we have a new house, that I have been having a great time trying to make into our home. It's fun. And during the school year, I don't have time to make things like I want to.
There are friends in my life that I feel like I never see. I miss just hanging out with them, whether it is with their kids or not. I miss them.
My family and Gordon's family used to get together for family dinners every once in a while, and now for some reason we don't.
My kids want to do so much, join things, play here, visit there, and I am having trouble making it all happen for them.

UGH!

so much, and so little time! I need to prioritize, I guess and make some decisions. I know I can't do it all, but I find myself asking why...

Balance, where are you? Or do I just need to learn how to juggle?

Tears and Fears

Why do we cry? Sadness. Stress. Emotion. Happiness. There are so many reasons. I sit here, bawling. I just vacuumed the whole house, and each room I was thinking of all the memories we have here.

As many of you know, we are selling this house at the end of May. I am filled with so much emotion about this big move that it has been hard to see clearly.

We bought this house ten days before our wedding. We have been through so much here. We did amazing things to this house to update it and make it seem more like ours. We put on a roof, new windows, redid the family room, put on a deck, and then made the nursery for our babies, and a big kid room as we added to our family.
Plus we went through our infertility trials here. Shots, medications, disappointments, and finally the greatest words "you're pregnant".
We came home here after my Dad's funeral. We came here after each baby was born. We had countless family gatherings here.
We, before kids, had New Year's Eve parties here. Man, they we fun!

So many memories!!!

Now, as Gordon says, it is time to start our new chapter. Move to our new home, start memories there. So much to look forward to in our new house. This house, on Bunce Rd, was a great home...
Now it is time to move to our new home, on Surrey Place, and open the book of our lives in a new chapter.

*Deep Breath*